Day 1 | What the hell am I even doing?

to ELLE and back | Day 1: What the hell am I even doing? What the hell, Leianne? You’re sitting down to write and making pretty graphics for a blog post that’s being kept hostage on a password protected blog; said blog is then left chillin’ with the other unlinked pages on the .com. What the hell are you trying to prove girl?

Tuesday I met with Amy. It was the first time I had seen her since before Abbi had started her program with HBHC last summer. A lot of things have changed since then. One of them being my newfound willingness to tackle my history. I know this sounds crazy but I don’t think that I have ever truly understood that my past goes with me wherever I go and that the only way I can stop fearing it is if I make friends with it. So that’s what I’m going to do.

A Journey to the Past

There’s a lot of trauma in my past that I need to work hard to overcome. Many nights I have spent praying over what I should do, what I should take on first. What do I have the strength for right now? It came to me eventually:

I am only as strong as I allow myself to be.

Basically, there is not one single piece of my past that I am not strong enough to look at, analyze and place in it’s new and proper home in my history. Not one thing is too much to try and overcome. I already lived each one of those memories. Those trauma filled days where paranoia came to play and I would end up sobbing into a pillow while hiding in a basement under a desk. Just writing that statement is a win! Because I already triumphed.

Once I realized that I could move past anything I have already survived, I decided it was time to get down to business. Hence the opening statement about talking with Amy and what it has to do with this fancy new digital journal of mine.

So here’s the story;

A long, long time ago, people didn’t know that Russia is neighbors with Asia. It was a big, scary dark place over there and few people dared venture out and see what was beyond that snow and fog. Eventually someone did, though. This Kevin guy here was more or less the first person documented to kinda own Russia. He moved in and set up all kinds of shit that is totally relevant to what I am saying. But guess how he got there? A map!

Where ya going Leianne? Reel it back in and stop looking at gifs.

Ok. So, the map.

Long story short [ too late ], someone brave and semi literate wandered around Asia, right about where it meets Russia and drew a map. Then this Kevin dude USED that map (well maybe not that exact one, you know what I mean), to get to Russia and rule the sorry asses who went with him. Because Kevin had a map, he knew he could do it. If a map exists, someone has survived this before. You following now?

Looking back on my past is a lot like looking back on the road from the backseat of my uncles Nissan truck while speeding down the highway on our way to Arizona for the summer. I already walked those paths, drove those highways. Now it’s time to map them. This blog will be my map. Just not the Rand McNally kind.

If you’re reading this, you have the password that allows you access to the innermost workings of my brain. If you are reading this, I trust you enough to use words like “anal sex” an then describe it in graphic detail. If you’re reading this, you already know that I don’t hold back. You’re going to learn things about me that you would never dream could be true. You’re going to find posts written about nothing but rape or the time I got high in 6 Flags and spent all day in Castaway Kids with Danielle from Burkle. There will be details you won’t want to read due to their graphic nature and posts that you can’t help but laugh out loud while reading.

You need to know that this is not a funny blog where I post pictures of Lily and products I love. I have no idea what will end up posted here. All I know is anything is possible.

Now that we covered all of that…

I can move on and tell you that this is going to be a good thing for me. Each post that describes trauma will have an equal but opposite post revealing something beautiful, wonderful or amazing. Please remember that this is my safe space to write. That’s why it’s password protected. If you’re here, I trust you. Don’t read a post and then pass judgement for the kind of person I am. I chose to let you in. After you asked. If you can’t handle it, don’t come back.

That’s about all I got for a warning and description. The truth is, I’m scared. Terrified of what charting this map could mean for me. But I have to do it. It’s my journey to the past and I will go to Hell and back to reclaim myself. Thanks for coming along for the ride.

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Elle Ay Esse

I'm Elle, a California girl transplanted to the Midwest with a goal of landing in New Orleans some time in the next five years. I'm self taught in all aspects of design, harking back to the bygone era of MySpace custom flash layouts. I have an eye for pattern and a love for color that makes me a perfect candidate for working as a web designer. Combining my love of design with coding and helping others and I am a natural teacher of all things blog related. My first ever blog was created on AOL Hometowns back n 2003 so I have had a lot of time and experience watching Blog Land grow and evolve and become a place of sharing stories, reviewing products and even making enough money to help support their families.