All I remember thinking was that I wasn’t that into it.
That one thought carried over into many additional thoughts. I started an avalanche in my mind and it was all rolling downhill fast. I’m laying here, half naked, not too concerned with myself other than whether or not he is going to want a bazillion hours of foreplay to make up for the 20 minutes of wham and bam that I hope are coming soon. He’s great in bed, don’t get me wrong. But my mind is other places and I’m not feeling this one little bit.
Actually, I’m thinking about how I am going to go home and write about this experience. Not only that, I’m thinking about the exact wording I will be using to describe each second (maybe that’s just a tad dramatic) in graphic detail. After all, I don’t have a readership established here yet and I did promise great detail and intimate stories when I outlined my first post.
His cock rubs against my leg and I flinch since he’s hit a bruise I managed to acquire when the cat jumped on me. I’m making out with a seriously sexy guy, obviously he wants to get it on and I’m thinking about my fat cat. I’m also wondering if I can take a nap after or if I should just make up an appointment. Now we’re both naked. Finally we can get to the good stuff and I can move on with my day.
Fortunately he is virile lover and I am able to lose myself in orgasm before curling up with his arms around me and getting a few minutes to cat nap while my brain rests.
So what went wrong here?
First - this man is my ex-boyfriend. We ended our relationship quite amicably over a year ago and reconnected over medicine last October. In those 10 months of zero contact, I learned a lot about myself and thus was able to understand that we just aren’t a match.
Second - Why am I here, having sex, when I need to be working? I need to be making phone calls and doing my various duties as mother, sister, friend and daughter. I also really need to get my Wunderlist sections under control.
Third - Have I matured enough to enjoy casual sex with someone I know and do trust with my body? Is it worth it?
Here’s what I discovered -
Trusting someone with my body is a whole hell of a lot easier than trusting them with my mind. I thought once that I loved this man with all my heart but the reality is that I cared deeply and let my mind continue to wok how it always has rather than be a grown up at the time of our break up. I thought our amicable ending was just that - amicable. But really, I still clung to the belief that I loved him. I never did. Not lke that anyway.
I can trust just about anyone with my body. But I realized that he and I don’t talk. At all. About anything. W e aren’t even friends.
What the fuck, Leianne? Really? You’re having sex with your ex because you’re bored. There’s the reality. Because you are bored and lonely and on the verge of making the same mistakes you made once to a thousand times before. Stop sweetie.
This is what I tell myself.
Stop. Think. And so I am.
I spent a good chunk of last night wondering if I would go back for our pre-arranged date next week. I borrowed a pretty important pen that needs returning so I am obligated to at least go and return that. I am not, however, obligated to ave sex with him again - orgasms or not. So have I grown up?
Next week I will stand by my plan to get together again. I need to return his property and then I plan to explain that this isn’t going to continue. He and I. There is no future here, no match. We are not getting back together. I don’t want him in my life as I really have no room for additives that don’t do anything. Yes, the sex (eventually) is great, but I am wasting time and fuel to do it. And for what? To spend the next several hours questioning my mental health and the decisions I am making?
I posted a quote today on Instagram about deciding. I need to live up to the advice I give.
So no more casual sex and no more guilt over not having anyone in my life to spend time with. The reality is that he isn’t the kind of person I need and am therefore better off waiting for the right people to come along. It’s not like I am some kind of sex addict or anything. I was only using him to feel like I wasn’t spending 24 hours a day with myself (or my child). A real grown up acknowledges that they are alone and finds healthy ways to relieve loneliness.
That’s the next goal: Overcoming Loneliness.